Balancing the Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Meaningful Relationship

As a homosexual male approaching 50, my life has involved many, largely pleasurable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I had a serious relationship which continued for four years, however it never fully satisfied me, in that I didn't experience love nor intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for casual sex. Every time I begin to date any man, once the newness dwindles, an impulse arises to have sex with other men once more.

Questioning the Feasibility of Monogamy

Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to maintain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that numerous gay men have open relationships, but when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed demanding, often resulting in lots of pain and jealousy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I desire another man to care for me while letting me remain sexually free, however I fear the psychological toll this would cause. Is it best to continue to have spontaneous encounters and accept that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I’m feeling a bit lost.

Every person’s intimate path fluctuates. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your ability to tolerate various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. What you need in your current state could easily shift down the road; at a certain time you may find yourself more decisive and discover some clarity and a suitable route … or not. At some point you might meet a person who provides a transformative opportunity to you through mirroring your desires in a holistic fashion … and at another point you may choose that non-committal encounters suit you best. Worrying about the future and playing endless speculation is merely anxiety-based and a waste of your energy. Aim to stay present with your partners, and see the worth of every individual with whom you might have a sexual connection. When and if you are ever ready to deepen genuine closeness with one partner, you will know.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American therapy professional focusing on addressing intimacy issues.